


Undone

by LibraryMage



Series: Break Your Chains [11]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Character, Autistic Ezra Bridger, Found Family, Gen, Kanan and Hera are best friends who sometimes cuddle and nothing more, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-17 01:13:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12354348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: Ezra is doing better.  He feels safe, he trusts the crew, and he's begun to accept them as family.  But a sense of safety is a fragile thing, and it doesn't take much to break it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for references to past child abuse

The first time Kanan heard Ezra laugh, he almost didn’t realize it.  It seemed so natural and familiar, like a sound that had always been part of his life, that it took him a moment to realize that he’d never actually heard it before.

He had woken up a few minutes before, but he’d stayed in his bunk, sliding an arm around Hera, who was curled up against his chest and was just beginning to wake up.  She’d knocked on his door in the middle of the night, not saying why.  She didn’t have to.  They both had nights where everything got to be too much and they needed to be near each other.  They’d fallen asleep beside each other like they had so many times before, each of them taking comfort in the other’s warm, steady presence.

With Hera facing away from him, toward the door, Kanan couldn’t see her face, but he could feel her smile like the warm, soft glow of a fire.  They just lay there, Hera nestled in Kanan’s arms, listening to the sound of their family’s laughter echoing through the ship.

“They sound happy about something,” Kanan said.

“They _sound_ like they’re up to something,” Hera muttered.

As if cued by her words, the door burst open, making Kanan and Hera both jump, half-sitting up as Chopper blared something at them in an almost-distressed-sounding tone.

“What’s going on?” Kanan asked, not nearly awake enough for this.

“Sabine’s talking about painting him,” Hera translated.  “Again.”

“Tattle-tale!” she heard Sabine’s voice call from somewhere down the hallway.  Hera rolled her eyes, only for Chopper to let out an indignant whir.

“She never does it no matter how much she threatens,” Hera told him, starting to lie back down.  “You’ll be fine.  Now let me go back to sleep.”

Chopper let out a quiet mechanical whine.

“Alright,” Hera groaned.  “I’m up.”

She gently elbowed Kanan in the chest.  “Come on,” she said.  “If I have to deal with this, so do you.”

Kanan pressed his hands over his eyes.  “Aren’t we on downtime?” he asked.

“I’m starting to think you and I don’t _get_ downtime anymore,” Hera said.

Within the next ten minutes, Kanan and Hera were both out of bed.  Hera had gotten the others to stop tormenting Chopper and was corralling them into the galley, where Kanan was cooking.  Downtime meant a chance for fresh food _and_ a chance for all of them to actually sit down and eat together, which everyone looked forward to as long as Sabine wasn’t cooking.

Ezra was the last to enter the room, following closely behind Sabine, a teasing edge to his voice as he told her “you’ve been breathing too many paint fumes again.”

Kanan turned around just in time to see Sabine punch Ezra’s shoulder.  He was about to warn her to stop and tell her to apologize, but held back when Ezra laughed and jabbed his elbow into her side.

“Settle down, you two,” Hera said.

“He started it,” Sabine muttered as she slid into a seat at the table.

“Did not,” Ezra said.

Kanan slid two plates across the table at the two youngest members of the crew, hoping they would start eating instead of continuing to bother each other.  Thankfully, they took the hint.

Kanan would tell Hera later; he didn’t want to draw attention to it, but Ezra was actually eating, rather than staring at his food like he wasn’t sure he was allowed to.  He was talking to the others, laughing, engaging, his eyes lighting up.  He seemed…happy.  Kanan couldn’t feel a trace of fear in his mind.  Kanan knew it was only temporary.  These things didn’t change overnight, but for now, Ezra was happy and at peace and Kanan wasn’t about to ruin it by drawing attention to it.

He cast a glance at Hera, who shot him a smile.  Even if it was just for a moment, things were okay.  Better than okay.

As they were clearing up after breakfast, out of the corner of his eye, Kanan saw Ezra open his mouth like he was about to say something, and hesitate.  Kanan could feel the kid’s anxiety prickling at him like a needle.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Ezra said.  “I just…I wanted to ask…can I leave?  Just get some air, take some time to myself?”

“Yeah,” Kanan said.  “You don’t have to ask to leave the ship.”

“Not unless we’re in the middle of an op,” Hera added.

“Well, now I know that,” Ezra said.

“Just be back before dark, okay?” Hera said.

“Thanks,” Ezra said with a smile as he turned to leave.

“Hey,” Kanan said.  Ezra turned back just in time to catch the commlink Kanan tossed to him.  “Call us if you run into any trouble.”

“I’ll try not to,” Ezra said.  He turned and bolted from the galley like he was afraid they’d change their minds.

“He’s doing better,” Hera said.  “He seems so much happier.  Less scared.”

“I noticed,” Kanan said with a smile.  That smile faded after a moment, replaced by a look of deep thought.

“What is it?” Hera asked.

“It’s nothing,” Kanan said.  “It’s just --”

“You worry,” Hera said, finishing his thought.  Kanan nodded.

“Comes with the territory,” he said.

“I know the feeling,” Hera said.

* * *

 

As soon as Ezra left the ship, he began to run.  He kept running, he didn’t know for how long, but when he stopped, the _Ghost_ was only just visible as an indistinct blur in the distance.  As much as he loved being part of the crew, the _Ghost_ could be stifling at times.  After two years on his own and nearly six years on the Death Watch base, he wasn’t used to living in such close quarters with so many people.

He kept moving, at a slower pace this time.  He shivered slightly.  It was still early enough that there was a chill in the air, and now that he had stopped running, Ezra was starting to feel it, seeping into his skin.

* * *

 

Miles away, on the _Ghost_ , a heavy weight seemed to drop in Kanan’s chest.  The air had suddenly gone cold around him.  He froze where he stood, struggling to remember how to breathe, how to move, how to _think_.

“Kanan?”  He heard a voice and saw Hera move into his field of vision, taking care not to touch him in this state.

“Kanan, what’s wrong?”

“Ezra,” he gasped, Hera’s voice dragging him back to where he stood.  “Something’s happened.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to past child abuse, an adult threatening a child in vague and nonspecific ways, forced drugging, and attempted child abduction

Ezra felt something shifting, like a dense fog beginning to clear.  The cold grew stronger, chilling Ezra to his core.  It felt alive.  Alive and…familiar.

Ezra reached for his commlink, turning on his heel, ready to run, only for the commlink to be pulled out of his hand.  It broke apart in the air, shards of plastic and metal falling to the ground.  Standing in front of him, blocking his path, was Maul.

Ezra reached for his lightsaber, his heart pounding and seeming to leap into his throat.  He tried to convince himself he wasn’t afraid, but he was.  As he stood there, half-frozen under his former master’s gaze, Ezra was terrified.

“Don’t come any closer,” he said, his voice weak as he barely managed to get the words out.

“Ezra --” Maul took a step toward him and Ezra stumbled backward.

“Don’t!” he said, drawing his weapon and activating it.  He felt a rush of strength as the red blade appeared in his hand.

“Put it away, Ezra,” Maul said, taking another step toward him.  Ezra lunged forward and slashed at the air, trying to warn Maul to stay back.  Maul didn’t even flinch.  He just drew his own weapon, the twin blades bursting to life simultaneously.

“Do you really think this is a fight you can win?” he asked.

Ezra could feel his resolve weakening as Maul stared him down.  He felt just like he had when he was a child, cornered by Maul in the alley, or pinned against the wall during their first duel.  Helpless.  Powerless.  Scared.

Slowly, Ezra lowered his lightsaber and switched the blade off.  Maul smiled and did the same.

“That’s better,” he said.  “Now, make this easier on yourself and come with me.”

“No,” Ezra said.

“Ezra, you _know_ you don’t belong here,” Maul said.  “You are no Jedi.  The Dark Side is what gives you your strength and we both know you will never be able to abandon it.  You don’t _want_ to.  It’s who you are.  And soon enough, this Jedi will realize the truth.  What do you think he’ll do then?”

Ezra shook his head, trying not to listen, trying to convince himself that Maul was wrong.

“Do you think he’ll still want to teach you?” Maul asked him as he drew closer to Ezra.  “The Jedi are too weak to recognize true power.  They have only ever run from it or tried to destroy it.  Are you really willing to stay here and find out which your so-called master will do to you?”

“Stop,” Ezra growled.  He knew he should run, but it was like his feet were weighed down, holding him in place.

“Come back to me, Ezra.  It’s the only way.”

“I’m not going with you,” Ezra said quietly, though he knew nothing he said would make a difference.  Against Maul, he was outmatched.  He could fight, he could resist, but in the end, Maul would take him far away from Lothal and Ezra would never see his friends -- his _family_ \-- again.

“I don’t recall giving you a choice,” Maul said.  “You _are_ coming with me, Ezra.  And I won't be letting you out of my sight again for a long time.”

Maul stepped forward, towering over Ezra, who still felt frozen, trapped in place under his gaze.

“Don’t do this,” Ezra said, his voice shaking.  “Please.  Just let me go.”

“I can't do that,” Maul said.

“You don’t need me,” Ezra said, his voice desperate as he tried to will himself to _move_.

“Oh, Ezra,” Maul said, the tone in his voice making Ezra cringe, like Maul was talking to a young child who didn’t understand what was going on.  “This isn’t about what I need.  You are my apprentice and _my_ responsibility.  I only want to help you.”

“I’m not your apprentice,” Ezra said weakly.  He felt like his throat was closing up, like all the air had been pulled from his lungs.  “Please don’t take me away from them.  Please.”

“Ezra,” Maul said, putting a hand on the shaking teenager’s shoulder, “I’m only trying to do what’s best for you.  I know one day you’ll understand.  Until then, I will do what I must.”

Ezra took one halting step backwards.  It took every scrap of willpower he had left in him to turn away, intending to run.  Before he could take a step, he felt Maul’s hand close around his left arm, just above his elbow.  His heart pounding like it was about to leap from his chest, Ezra tried to run, only to be pulled back.  As he struggled to break away, he lost his footing and fell to the ground.

Ezra reached back with his free hand, his fingers curled like claws, not knowing and not caring where he was aiming.  Maul caught his wrist, twisting Ezra’s arms behind his back and holding them in place with one hand, pinning Ezra face down on the ground.  Seconds later, something sharp stuck into his arm.  Ezra kicked at empty air, panic overtaking him as he fought to break free.  Maul’s grip on him only tightened as he held Ezra down, waiting for the drug to take effect.

“No!” Ezra cried, still fighting even as he felt himself growing weaker.  “Please!”

“It’s alright, Ezra,” Maul said.  “Don’t fight it.”

The calm, soothing tone in his voice only enraged Ezra even more.  He fought against Maul’s hold on him, a wordless shout of fury tearing itself from his throat.  But he was getting weaker by the second and he couldn’t break free.  And Maul knew he wouldn’t be able to.  He just waited, calmly holding Ezra in place, indifferent to the boy’s desperate attempts to get away.

As the drug worked its way through his system, Ezra’s limbs slowly went limp.  Every breath he took was a struggle, and his eyes…his eyes felt so heavy, he could barely keep them open.  He was still conscious, but too weak, mentally and physically, to stop Maul from doing anything.

As Maul’s grip on his arms loosened, the only thought in Ezra’s head was _run_ , but he couldn’t move beyond a small twitch of his arms as he tried to drag himself forward.

Ezra felt himself being turned onto his side, one of Maul’s arms under his knees and another under his shoulders as he began to lift Ezra off the ground.

“No,” Ezra muttered.  It was the only thing he could do.  He couldn’t move, couldn’t fight back.

What happened next was a blur, with sounds and images and feelings breaking their way into Ezra’s head in bits and pieces.

A sharp jolt of something hitting his back.

The distinctive _hum_ of a lightsaber.

The _crash_ of two blades striking against each other.

Someone’s arms around his shoulders, dragging him somewhere.

Cool metal against his face as he fell to the floor, unable to stand on his own.

A hand running through his hair.

Trying to pull away from the touch, but not being able to move.

Someone dragging him somewhere again.

Bitter panic rising in his throat, a desperate need to break free.

A familiar presence, surrounding him, trying to calm him down and comfort him.

A low voice speaking words he couldn’t understand.

He was lying down.  Someone was sitting beside him.  He could feel their presence, so close, _too_ close.  He tried to say something, tried to move away, but he felt like his whole body was weighed down with iron.  For all he knew, it was.  He could barely feel anything.  If Maul had restrained him, he wouldn’t be able to tell.

He could only lay there, waiting, his focus going in and out.  He had no way of knowing how long it lasted.  He only knew that he couldn’t move and someone was too close and he had to _get away._

Coming back into consciousness was slow.  The numbness wore off first.  He was lying down on something soft.  He couldn’t quite move his arms yet, be he could feel that he wasn’t restrained.  Slowly, he began to gain control over his body again and tried to sit up.

“Ezra?”  That was Kanan’s voice.  Ezra felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Ezra, it’s okay,” Kanan said.  “You’re safe.  Don’t try to move if it’s too hard.”

Ezra ignored the warning and sat up anyway.  His stomach churned as he swung his legs over the edge of the bunk, but he swallowed down the bile he felt rising in his throat.  He was on the _Ghost_ , in Kanan’s cabin.  Kanan was sitting beside him, breathing a sigh of relief.

“Are you okay?” Kanan asked.  Ezra nodded.

“Did he hurt you?  Besides drugging you, did he do anything else?”

Ezra shook his head.  “He didn’t,” he said.  “Really.”

Ezra’s voice broke as he said it.  Maul so easily could have done much worse, and Ezra wouldn’t have been able to stop him.  He had just frozen up, unable to do anything.  Tears stung at Ezra’s eyes as he remembered that heavy, numb feeling spreading through his body.

Kanan hung back, wanting to comfort Ezra, but not knowing if touching him or trying to talk to him would make things worse, as it so often seemed to do.  Ezra swiped furiously at the tears forming in his eyes and Kanan could just hear him mutter “no.”  It hit Kanan that he had never seen Ezra cry before, not even the night he had first come to the _Ghost_.

“Ezra,” he said, “it’s okay to cry.”

Ezra just shook his head, his hands still covering his eyes, his nails digging into the skin of his forehead.  Every breath he took was shaky as he tried to fight off his tears.  Kanan put his arms around Ezra, pulling him close to his chest in a tight embrace.  Ezra stiffened in surprise for a moment, then leaned into it, resting his forehead against Kanan’s chest.

“I thought I was doing better,” Ezra said.  “And now -- and then he just comes back and it just -- it all went away.

“I know,” Kanan said.  “It’s okay.”

“I thought I wasn’t scared of him anymore,” Ezra mumbled, his arms slipping out from where they were wedged between him and Kanan so he could return his friend’s embrace.  “But when I saw him, it was like -- like I was -- I couldn’t do anything.  I just wanted to --”

“Submit?” Kanan finished for him.

Ezra gave a tiny nod.  It wasn’t the exact word he would have used, but it was a right one.

“It’s okay, Ezra,” Kanan said, one hand moving to the back of Ezra’s head.

“It’s not,” Ezra said, his shoulders stiffening again and a small hitch entering his voice.  “I should’ve been able to _do_ something.  I should’ve -- but I was too -- I was --”

“You were _not_ weak,” Kanan said, knowing exactly what Ezra was thinking about himself.  “You were scared, and you had every reason to be.”

He ran a hand through Ezra’s hair, trying to soothe him.  Ezra suddenly pulled himself out of Kanan’s arms, his hands curling into fists at his sides as he stared down at the floor.

“Ezra,” Kanan said gently, “if he ever comes back, I don’t want you dealing with him alone.  If you see him again, you run and you find me.”

“Kanan --”

“Ezra, I mean it.”

“I don’t want to run away,” Ezra muttered.

“I know,” Kanan said, “but he’s dangerous.  He’s hurt you before and he’ll do it again.  And I can't -- I don’t want to lose you.”

Ezra didn’t respond.

“I know you want to be able to take care of yourself,” Kanan said, “but you don’t have to go through this alone anymore.  Any of it.  I can protect you.  That’s my _job_.”

“I should have been able to take care of myself,” Ezra said.  “I’m better than this, I know I am.  I should’ve been able to…I don’t know.  I just should’ve been able to do something.  But I just froze up.  I was too scared.  And I…I don’t think I _wanted_ to hurt him.  Is that -- what’s _wrong_ with me?”

“Nothing,” Kanan said.  “There’s nothing wrong with you for not wanting to hurt someone else, no matter who it was.”

Ezra didn’t say anything, but Kanan could feel his unease whirling around inside his mind.

“What is it?” he asked.  Ezra didn’t look up at Kanan as he answered, not wanting to see how his teacher would react to what he was about to say.

“He told me I could never abandon the Dark Side, that it’s who I am and the only thing that gives me strength,” Ezra said.  “He said being his apprentice is my destiny.  And what if he’s right?”

“He’s not,” Kanan said.

“I _was_ raised by him,” Ezra said, his voice quiet.

“Ezra --”

“Kanan, I know what you’re gonna say,” Ezra interrupted, “but it’s true.  He raised me for almost six years and that’s always going to be part of me, no matter how much I hate it.”

Kanan was silent for a moment.  He wanted to tell Ezra he was wrong, that what Maul had done didn’t count as raising him.  But under that instinct, he knew what Ezra was saying made sense, at least to himself, and he knew if he tried to refute it, Ezra would only argue the point.  Besides, when it came down to it, what he called it didn’t matter.  Only one thing did.

“That doesn’t mean you’re like him,” Kanan said.

Ezra just scuffed the toe of one boot across the floor.

“It doesn’t,” Kanan said.  “And don’t forget, you were raised by your parents, too.”

“I know,” Ezra said.  “I _know_ , but they’re gone, and I tried so hard to forget everything they taught me, and for so long, he was all I had.”

Kanan put an arm around Ezra’s shoulders.  Ezra reached up, one hand grasping Kanan’s tightly.  Kanan didn’t know what to say to help Ezra through this.  Beneath the front of detached strength Ezra was trying -- not very successfully -- to put up, Kanan could feel what reminded him of glass with cracks forming in it, not shattered yet, but so close.  He knew whatever assurances he could give, Ezra wouldn’t believe them right now, not when he was in this state.

“You deserved better, kid,” he said.

“I chose it,” Ezra said, more to himself than to Kanan.

“You still deserved better.”

Ezra’s shoulders tensed up under Kanan’s touch, and Kanan knew the kid didn’t believe him.  And he had no idea how to convince him it was the truth.

“I should --” Ezra started, his voice shaking.  He abruptly stopped talking.  “I have to --”

Without even finishing the half-baked excuse he was about to give, he stood up and bolted from the room, leaving Kanan behind.

* * *

 

Kanan entered the cockpit and sat down beside Hera.  The expression on his face was one she’d felt on her own too many times to count.

“I know that look,” she said.  “This wasn’t your fault, Kanan.”

“Isn’t it?” Kanan asked.  “What were we thinking, staying on Lothal?”

“This is where the mission is,” Hera reminded him.

“I should’ve taken Ezra away from here,” Kanan said.  “At least for a while.”

“Maybe you should have,” Hera agreed, “but you didn’t.  All we can do now is try to help Ezra get past what happened.”

“What if he can’t?” Kanan asked.  “You didn’t see him just now, Hera.  This just broke him.  He’s trying to hide it, but I can feel it.”

“I know,” Hera said, a slight tremor entering her voice as she remembered how terrified Ezra had sounded as they’d carried him off the _Phantom._   He hadn’t been able to fully form whatever words he was trying to say, but he’d sounded so scared that it hurt her to touch him, knowing he couldn’t tell it was her.

The silence that fell between her and Kanan weighed on her like bricks on her shoulders.  She didn’t need Kanan to say anything to know he felt it, too.

“We could have lost Ezra today,” Kanan said.  “And I didn’t even realize something was wrong until it was almost too late to save him.”

Hera didn’t look up at him as she reached out and took his hand, her fingers entwining with his.  When she spoke, her voice was quiet and hollow, something Kanan wasn’t used to hearing from her.

“I keep thinking that if Maul had come here to kill Ezra, we _would_ have been too late,” she said.  “I know thinking like that doesn’t help anyone and hearing it can't be helping you, but --”

Kanan’s hand tightened around hers.  “I keep thinking the same thing,” he said.

Silence fell again, each of them getting briefly lost in their own fears, not just for Ezra, but for the whole crew.  What if Zeb or Sabine had been there?  What would Maul have done to them?

“One thing’s for sure,” Kanan said, his resolve steadying his voice, “Ezra’s not leaving the ship alone again.  Not on Lothal, at least.  Not anywhere Maul might know to look for us.”

Hera nodded.  Ezra probably wouldn’t be happy with it, at least not once the initial shock of Maul finding him had worn off, but whether he liked it or not, it made sense, and she knew Ezra would listen to Kanan.  Maul wouldn't get a chance to hurt Ezra again, not while there was something she and Kanan could do to stop it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for references to child abuse

_Kanan ran.  He ran as fast as he could, but he wasn’t getting any closer.  In this distance, he could see Maul, Ezra flung over one shoulder as he carried the unconscious boy onto a ship.  Just as Kanan finally drew closer to the ship, it took off.  Kanan threw one hand out, reaching through the Force, his desperation giving him strength, but not nearly enough.  He couldn’t hold the ship back.  He could only watch as it rose higher and higher into the air._

_“No!” Kanan shouted as the ship disappeared into the distance.  “Ezra!”_

* * *

 

Kanan gasped as his eyes opened.  Slowly, he sat up, leaning his head in his hands as he silently reminded himself that Ezra was safe now.  They hadn’t been too late to save him.  Not this time.

Still, Kanan’s anxiety made him restless.  He stood up and quickly left his cabin.  There was no need to check that all the hatches were sealed and locked and the alarms active.  There was never any need.  Hera was meticulous, and after what had just happened, she would be even more so.  But on nights like this, it usually helped to double-check.  And triple-check.

As he quietly made his way toward the cockpit, Kanan heard a soft sound coming from the cargo bay that was quickly muffled.  He froze in his tracks, staying perfectly still as he focused in on the sound.  He could have sworn it sounded like someone crying.  Kanan backtracked a few steps until he was at the ladder and quickly scaled down it, his feet hitting the cargo bay floor with a soft _thump_.

He heard quiet, sharp intake of breath and then everything was silent with the exception of the ambient noise of the ship.  Kanan headed toward the source of the noise and found Ezra sitting on the floor, hidden behind a crate, his knees pulled up to his chest, one hand over his mouth, trying to keep from making a sound.  There were tears in his eyes, streaming down his face.  The red tinge to his eyes told Kanan he’d been down here for a while.

“Ezra, what’s wrong?” Kanan asked, sitting down in front of him.

“I’m sorry,” Ezra muttered.  “I just -- I couldn't stop this and I didn’t want to wake Zeb up and --”

“It’s okay,” Kanan said as Ezra’s body was wracked by a heavy sob that he couldn’t hold back.  “Don’t apologize.”

Ezra shook his head, brushing away the tears in his eyes only for more tears to come.

“No,” Ezra muttered.  “It’s not okay.  I shouldn’t be -- it’s over.  You saved me.  There’s no point in being upset about it anymore.”

“There doesn’t have to be a point,” Kanan said.  “Whatever you’re feeling, it’s okay.”

Ezra didn’t say anything, the silence between the two of them broken by his quiet sobbing.  Kanan slid along the floor until he was sitting beside Ezra and put a hand on the boy’s shoulder to comfort him.  When Ezra finally spoke, his voice was shaking, barely above a whisper.

“I never should have left,” he said.

“Left the ship, or --”

Ezra shook his head.  “Left _him_ ,” he said.

“Yes, you should have,” Kanan said.  “It’s a good thing you did.”

“He’ll be back,” Ezra said.  “He won't stop until he gets me back, and when he does…I betrayed him, Kanan.  He took me in and trained me and I threw all of that away.  I’m not going to get let off easy for that and I -- I don’t deserve to.”

“Ezra, I won't let him take you from us,” Kanan said.  “And no matter what happens, you will never deserve what he’s done to you.  There’s nothing you could ever do that would justify what he put you through.”

Ezra shook his head, dismissing Kanan’s words.

“I should have stayed,” he said.  “At least I’d have been safer than I will be when he gets me back.”

“He’s not going to get you back,” Kanan said.

“Yes, he will,” Ezra said.  “Maybe not today, but it will happen.  You can't always be there to protect me and I just showed that I can’t protect myself anymore.  And now I’m putting all of you in danger.  I -- I shouldn’t be here, Kanan.”

“Ezra, you’re --” Kanan paused, trying to force the words out.  Ezra wasn’t the only one who had trouble admitting his feelings.  “You’re scaring me,” he finally managed to say.  “Please tell me you’re not thinking about going back.”

“I don’t know,” Ezra said, his tears growing stronger again as his forehead hit against his knees, his fingers tangled in his hair.

Ezra had meant to say no, or at least he thought he had.  He wanted to stay with Kanan and the others.  He wanted to stay with the people who had become like family to him.  He wanted to become the Jedi and the good person Kanan kept telling him he could be.

But he also wanted to give up.  He wanted to save himself the constant fear he would be living in until the inevitable day when Maul returned and took him away.  He wanted to kneel in front of his master and beg him for forgiveness, to tell him this was a mistake, and to swear he would only ever be loyal to him.  He wanted to go back to where things made sense.  He hated himself for even think of it this way, but he wanted to go _home_.

Kanan put an arm around Ezra’s shoulders.  Ezra leaned into his touch, resting his head against Kanan’s shoulder as he tried to remind himself that _this_ was home now.

“I am so sorry this happened, Ezra,” Kanan said, running his other hand through the shaking boy’s hair.  Ezra threw his arms around Kanan’s shoulders, clinging to him tightly as he cried.

“It’ll be okay,” Kanan said.  “I won't let him hurt you again.”


End file.
